The Lynt Lives Here

10:05pm: Tris is here reading my entries. I thought he ought to.

L

11:45am: More from the Lynt
I get such great advice from you guys here goes some more about stuff on my mind, but this time I promise the post won’t be long.

Tonight Tris is doing something with his family, he wanted to get out of it but I told him no, needs to go ahead and we’d see each other tomorrow. I think he kinda likes me telling him what to do. LOL. To a point anyway. May be one of the things that attracted me to him, me being this much older and wiser guy (and I hear Brandon laughing, shut the fuck up boy). Not wiser definitely but I’ve noticed he does look to me about decisions sometimes. Which okay I like, I admit it. But like i said, it’s to a point. He’s definitely not one to have to be told what to do or expecting to be told what to do.

So anyway, told him we’ll survive a day without each other and like said in my last post and Matt yeah you are so right, the being apart makes the being together all the better. We can’t talk to each other while he’s at school but the rest of the time we can so even if we can’t be together at least we can talk, so that’s sweet. We’re surviving and it is good, and frankly beginning to believe this is probably best for us, at least for now. We CAN’T jump into something we’re not really ready for, even though if he could move in with me I’d want him to. When he finally turns 18 and if we’re still together, then who knows where we’ll be in our relationship. Hopefully strong and ready for more. It’s definitely what I hope for.

Tris is trying to talk me into piercing at least one ear. I might. Both of his are pierced and he wears gold hoops, sexy as hell. He’s talking about other piercings, not so sure about that and Brandon’s going to do me a favor and talk him OUT of the nipple piercing. B’s got one done and I remember how much it hurt, and for how long and as he put it he had ONE boob for weeks. Tris probably isn’t old enough anyway. But I may do the ear. He said he’d hold my hand ha cute. I may just let him. Go to where B and J got their ears pierced, the girl who did it “just loves gay guys.” Crap. Why do straight chicks get so into gay guys? Brandon has 3 or 4 of them who are always calling him on his cell. Jeff doesn’t mind though but then come to realize Tris gets calls all the time too, has started not answering unless its his mom or Daniel.

Ah Daniel, the Other Man. Nice kid, glad he has a girlfriend. He calls Tris a lot anyway. Try not to get annoyed about that, but Tris knows I think, he’s promised this weekend no phone except for mom. Bad thing? Mom’s called twice now during sex. Think she knows, that mom radar thing, you’re screwing my baby so I’m going to call RIGHT THEN. Like I said she approves of me I think but not necessarily what I do with her son.

One thing I do worry about, words gotten around Tris’s school about me, he’s been given a little hell about it. People who didn’t know before that he was gay do now, and he’s “the gay guy” as he puts it. He is a pretty confident guy but he is I think being more bothered by this than he probably thought he would. He told me and his mom that people he doesn’t know are either talking to him when they didn’t or wouldn’t’ before, he’s the talk about school right now, some of the guys are giving him some trouble about it, nothing he says he can’t handle. Which of course worries his mom, she’s told him to go straight to the principal if there’s any threats or any trouble over this (which knowing him, he won’t but he told his mom he would). I was worried about this, one reason I didn’t want to go to his game because i knew this would happen once it was found out that Tris had a boyfriend, especially an older one. Even though his mom doesn’t think someone else could get ME into trouble, I’m not so convinced. This is when she made me smile though, she hugged me and told me not to worry about that sort of thing. I do though.
Tris does have a lot of friends, like Daniel who watch out for him, so hopefully we’ll just get through the last of this year without any problems. I’m NOT taking him to the junior-senior dance at the end of the year (he asked if I would if he asked me, “just rhetorically”). We’ll go do something else if he wants to or if he wants to take one of his girl friends I’m cool with that.

Tomorrow afternoon we’ll drive out to my parents. They want to meet Tris and he’s okay with that. A little nervous maybe but my parents did pretty well with finding out I was gay AND had a boyfriend. Really though the more I talk to mom the more I get the idea that she’d really had figured it out before Tris, based on some things I’d said when Brandon came home with me one weekend (to get him out of Jeff’s hair so he could study LOL). She really liked Brandon, he’s so fucking adorable, pretty sure she’ll like Tris. I hope so. I’m a little nervous about this.

For instance, what about sleeping arrangements? I want Tris with me, he wants to be with me, but not sure what’s going to happen there. Brandon and I slept in the same bed but that was all—SLEEP. The couch is too short for both of us so we shared the bed, no big deal. Obviously with Tris he’d fit on the couch but I don’t want him there, I want him with me. Should be interesting. Lots of other things crop up in my mind, at Tris’s, when his mom is around we never kiss or hug (at least not yet but we touch, and sit next to each other on the couch. She’s had a lot longer to be used to the idea of him being gay than my parents but he’s told me I’m the first guy he’s dated that actually done more than just meet his mom (he had a couple of other b/f’s but they never got serious, i.e., never slept with them, other stuff not that, I’m his first yeah, but then he IS only 17). So I don’t know, just on my mind, what’s going to happen there at my parent’s. In my heart what I want most is to be comfortable enough around my parents to be able to hold Tris and touch him and basically be able to treat him like if he was a girlfriend. I just want to do what I want to do, be how I want, all respectful of course. I imagine there will be some awkward moments. I haven’t talked to my dad since dropping the gaybomb so even though mom says he is not mad at me or anything, I sense he is probably not knowing what to do or act. We’re closer than we were but not as close as when I was younger.

Frankly, it feels a bit strange to have my sexuality—my PRIVACY—under scrutiny of my family again. It’s all there business, apparently, and apparently not just the parents, I’m very much back being “the baby” again for some reason. I’ve gotten more phone calls this week from family (cousins, aunt and uncle too) than I have in the last two years. I’ve been out of that eye for a long time and while I know it was inevitable, I love my parents and have always except through the idiot years had a good relationship, it is strange and somewhat uncomfortable. But, if I back off now, and think that is what my mom worries about, is losing that which we’ve rebuilt, I’m afraid problems for me and Tris will result. My parents were tough on me when I got into drugs and pulled some pretty hard punches on me, and though I hated them at the time I’m better at understanding why now they did what they had to do. But for almost a year I refused to have anything to do with any of them. When I was ready to be picked back up again they were there, but I promised myself I’d never alienate myself from my family again. This is different of course, of course it is, but what I think I’m trying to get straight here is that even though I almost 24, and my life is my business not theirs, I want their approval. Maybe not really their approval, just their support. I need this. This isn’t going away, Tris and I are maybe going to have a future, and even if it doesn’t work out between us which makes me sick to even contemplate I’ve finally come to terms with my sexuality and that is definitely not going to change. I’m gay, their son is gay, my brother’s brother is gay, my sister’s brother is gay, Lynnie is gay. That’s the way it is. Having met Tris just when I did and finding in him someone who is yeah even though he is 17, has found himself wanting the kind of relationship I want, is just pure luck.

So whatever, huh. Tris is going to meet the folks, and probably Robbie will be there, as well. I’m thinking about what we can do tomorrow, he’s coming over as soon as he gets up and I imagine I’ll have some strawberries waiting LOL. Supposed to rain so we may just hang out at my place all day, until it’s time to go. Sometimes a day in bed is a good thing and I know we both need it, I haven’t been with him since, night before last.

Got to run do some errands, go pay the rent and stuff, wash the car do stuff today I usually do on Saturdays so I don’t have to screw with it tomorrow. And go get strawberries.

Hey see I can write short posts. Okay sort of short.

Lyn

10:36pm: Paint Balling
I was going to sit down tonight and write a long post but am really too tired. Paint ball tonight was hilarious, and Aaron if you see this, The B represented his fellow femboys damn good. He was the cleanest of us, I swear it, when all was done. It was bring your own paint night, and Tris, Daniel and their friend Kyle had their own guns, and are fucking scary. They didn't tell us they do this ALL the time, seriously addicted. So now Jeff's going to get us guns--it is war.

Brandon was a surprise, he's actually alot better at this than Jeff and me. B's a maniac, and YES Brandyboy you DO squeal, but he's damn accurate, and was almost always one of the last ones out, or THE last one on our team. We played with others too, and Tris and I sat out a couple times (but it sucked yet again, there were so many people there, I wanted to just hold his hand but you know how that is. We're starting ot find ways though, it is strange having to be so secretive but I'll not risk it). This place is located in a huge field with all sort of trees and things to hide behind or crawl into, a couple places suitable for good gropes but the masks prevent anything more than a little hand to dick fun, LOL.

Dropped Tris and his friends off at Daniel's house and came on home and got a shower. It sucked to have to say goodbye to tris and not be able to kiss him, but though I did kiss him at B's house the other night, in front of Daniel. I didn't feel comfortable in front of Kyle, much less Daniel's family being right there, and them knowing him as well as they do, and yeah met his mom, and that was strange, but didn't seem to be any big deal. Which I could be wrong, but I think Daniel's okay with me.

I am just going on here aren't I. ( Read more... )

L

9:17am: Text Sex
Messages this morning from Tris. I had my cell off all night.


( Read more... )

Weekend went fine, Robbie thought he'd be helpful and told the parents before I could, which pissed me off a little but relieved me too if I have to be honest about it. and really I'm not surprised he did that. Apparently I've been a topic of converation for a few weeks between the parents and my aunt sister and cousins, I've always had gay friends and have been hanging out with Brandon alot, and they'd "been wondering". Everyone's a little freaked I guess, I guess that's to be expected, but on the other hand it went better than I thought, and as far as I know I'm not going to have a real bad problem with the family. My mom was more concerned about Tris being in high school still. We'llsee how it goes for a little while before I decide if its a good thing for them to meet him. He's fairly nervous about that, but really, my relationship with my family is a good one, I've certainly done worse things and not been rejected by them.

In any case, I should be in class but am not, kinda overslept this morning but got to make next class so I'm out of here. No work today, picking Tris up after he gets out of school and then we're going to go do something for awhile. I just want to do something normal, like go to the store or something. Everyday boring stuff, but with him it will be fantastic.

L

2:26pm: Seems like a good day to...
Go come out to my family.

C-ya later, kids.

Lynt

1:57pm: The Rules
1. School nights: home by 9, I'm welcome until 11
2. Saturday night: home by midnight
3. Sunday: Family day, HIS family day, church and dinner--I'm not to be around, except probably afternoons sometimes, but not usually
4. Friday night: open, not to say she is completely happy about it, but it's what she's willing to give him, they had a talk about this, she told him she knew he was going to want to be with me, inferring "like that" and she wasn't thrilled but she's of the mind to have this kind of control over the situation, we can handle it. Or rather, we WILL handle it.

At all times: relatives outside his mom are not to know I'm anything other than a friend of his, and he has a lot of relatives. Aunt knows (mom's sis) and that is it.

I've got no idea about Summer. I've got no idea really about the next few days, honestly. We had a great time last night, it wasn't too bad at the game, his team didn't win but he doubled, so was happy. Met some of his friends, this is all very strange. Felt like I had a sign on my shirt, "I FUCK TRISTAN" the looks I was getting, though.

Im going to eat dinner with the parents, told mom I had something to talk to her and dad about, Robbie's coming too.

Strangest week of my life.

5:23am: Life is good.

Going back to bed w/Tris. :)

4:25pm: another long note about a bunch of stuff
More incoherent rambles from me, read if you want, this is mostly for me to keep my head on straight. Can I still say that? “Straight’ in that context. I’ve got a lot of thoughts running through my head when I should be reading for class, very stressful, mostly that it has been only a week and yet already a week since meeting Tris. As promised, I went and took the test, will call next Monday a.m. for results, I’m sure I’m fine but this was a promise to his mom and I’ve kept it. Interesting note: she assumed he’s never had sex. He hasn’t, but we both thought that interesting.

Last night we talked, a lot, about a lot of things, more serious things than just getting each other off. There’s a beautiful being behind that smiling face. It is a little crazy I think that we’ve hit it off so well. Strange, really, to think about, there’s more differences between us than commonalities, but that is probably good. I am a little excited and scared actually, if I have to admit it, but also feeling very calm about it. Saying yeah, he’s mine I’m his, we want to give this a chance, is forcing me to realize a lot of other stuff, things I’ve been able to keep hidden from myself, even ignore and now they’re cramming into my head and I can’t push them aside anymore. We both have our own reasons I think, for wanting this. I hate being alone, he makes me laugh, he makes me ache for him, I miss him, I love how much he misses me, how happy he is to see me, how he asks me questions and wants to know about me, but didn’t mind when I just wanted to be quiet last night, and just be with him. His own reasons, I’m not so sure about, part of it I think is the excitement of saying yes, I have a boyfriend, that’s understandable. He says I make him laugh, and when I look at him, even when I can’t touch him, I am totally focused on him, which is true and I hope that my being aware of it won’t mean I’ll lose it, that it will grow stronger. There were a lot of things I didn’t do with Beth that had really nothing to do with sexual incompatibility that I can do different with Tris. I’ve got this urge I guess to hold him when I can, protect him, yet he’s not helpless, not at all. I admire his patience, and he knows what he wants, is passionate about some things, like flying. He wants to be a pilot, he says, and is working as much as he can this summer to pay for flying lessons. Someday he wants to have his own plane, he’d like to live in Alaska and fly cargo planes, which I thought was interesting. Good money but dangerous but he doesn’t have a lot of fear. He’s not as cautious as me for instance, though I’m not so cautious as some, I seem to be letting myself hurl into this relationship but I can’t slow it down now, and don’t want to. I do tend to overanalyze sometimes and probably am this, but this is a major change, part of a huge one for me in all areas of my life.

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10:31pm: Okay self, I'm writing to myself again because it helps me figure things out, to go through things again, and reread it later. I still don't know if I'll let Tris see this or not. Maybe, because sometimes I'm not as good as explaining myself as I think I should or could be. Sometimes it is just easier to write it, than say it. He's on Xanga he said but he never writes there anymore, too busy with homework and tae kwan do and he works part-time at the ice cream place we went to, which i didn’t know.

So anyway I survived the second round of Tristan's mom. This time wasn't as easy though, she was pretty upset with him (and me) still for him sneaking out of the house last night. He wasn't completely honest with me last night either, saying she said it was okay and that he'd left her a note, when she wasn't happy with him at all about it and wanted him to come home. I found that out today when I picked him up and was pretty pissed. I should've made him go home last night. I told him there was no room in this for lying to each other, that it was tough enough to handle this, I'm still trying to deal with finally accepting being gay, I haven't even come out to my family yet except for Robbie, and I can live without that kind of crap and if he couldn't be honest with me then I didn't want this to go any further. If she'd wanted she could've called cops on me but he said she didn't know where I lived--THAT made me angry, and I scared him I think by getting so angry. I said a few things like I shouldn't have, but he just didn't understand how dangerous this could for me. I think maybe he is falling to fast into this, I halfway thought of just blowing this whole thing off right then so it was probably good this afternoon happened, pulled us up a little bit and made us both think a little harder about what was going on.

I talked to Jeff about it a long time tonight, he had his own insights about Tristan from him and Brandon, and what they went through, which was a lot more than I thought they did, when they first got together. They had worse problems than this but stuck it out and things are good for them now for the most part. Like you said though Brandon, lots of differences, you were out on your own, 18 already, and that's way different than this. Six years difference between me and Tris and he's still in high school with all that going on, he'll be a senior next year and I'll be in my third year in college. I'm on my own, support myself and work a lot (Fry's Electronics), and got a long ways to go yet but I finally have my act pretty much together after fucking up my own senior year in high school. I made a lot of mistakes and don't want him to do the same, most of mine were related to drinking and drugs. I nearly totally fucked up my life and I don't want that to happen to him, or to anyone. Maybe I freaked him out a little on this, getting so mad about it, not that he's into that but too many kids just don't understand that drugs can kill you or worse can fuck up your life so bad there's no getting it back. I was lucky, damn lucky. Even though my ex-girlfriend and I aren't together anymore she'll always be special to me because she helped me get through some really bad shit. *Lynt gets off soapbox.* Sorry, LJ, but this is important to me.

Anyway, Jeff asked me all that aside, how I felt about Tristan, what I really wanted to do and what I want to do is keep seeing him, but try to keep things a little more level headed for awhile. Which is going to be hard actually as I sit here and think about all that's gone on between us since we met Friday, and how much I miss him, because I do. I'd give anything right now to have him here instead of me here and him at home. When I picked him up today I realized how badly I'd missed him all day, how I couldn't stop thinking about what we did last night and I am not even sure I remember a thing about my classes this morning. It hasn't even been a week since we met each other and even though I've only seen him twice since then, I'm sitting here missing him now even more. I'm thinking it the smart thing not to call his house tonight, to chill for a few days until Friday, at least, but I'm already finding it hard not to pick up the phone and call him.

All right this is where I'll cut, because this ended up to be really longer than I thought. I should be studying, going over stuff for tomorrow but I need to get this out of my head so I can stop going over it again and again, driving myself crazy. ( Read more... )

6:56pm: Life goes
and goes on. Met with Tristan Monday after he got out of school. I didnt' have to work yesterday, so I thought okay, we'll go somewhere public, talk, I'll tell him I'm not comfortable with the situation, and that will be that.

Instead, I met his mom who'd come to pick him up, she invited me for ice cream with them (LOL talk about strange), I went, she was great but made me nervous as hell, dad's out of the picture and he's an only child. He came out to his mom last year, it went okay, his dad went ballistic and he hasn't seen him since (divorced).

She warned us to be careful, and basically if I messed him up, his school stuff, he's got plans for college and she wasn't going to let anyone screw that up, I'd be sorry if I did. I believed her.

I'm still not sure about this but when I saw him yesterday after not seeing him since Friday (when we met) think I lost some common sense somewhere. All I coudl think about was kissing him again and yes that's all that's happened so far. Six years isn't that much I guess, really I think he's more mature than me about some things. Alot of things actually. In any case, we'll see what happens, how it goes. Won't see him again until Friday but that's probably good. It sucks but is probably good. We'll see how it goes. Damn I sound like my mom.

Oh yeah, and I told my brother Robbie last night. He said he figured it out ages ago that I was probably gay, and he warned me too to be careful.

It's been a really weird few days.

2:40pm: Life sucks
So what do you do when you meet someone really cute and hot who is funny and you can't get him out of your head, and you talk to him all weekend on the phone because you both have to study, and he lives at home with his parents because he is ONLY FUCKING SEVENTEEN?

Shit. FUCK!